Genesis: Under numberless stars an old man stands amazed; his wife cries out in the pain of childbirth, laughing.
Exodus: Barefoot on the hot sand, he stares into the flame and haggles with a god whose name he cannot say.
Leviticus: At the mountain they wait in love and terror, while holy words pass through them like a sword.
Numbers: Count the murmuring tribes, count their slain, count the wandering long years.
Deuteronomy: I love you, I love you. Not because you are so good or great, but because you are so lost and little.
Joshua: In the walled city a prostitute undresses to the music of trumpets and the sound of many feet.Judges: As soothing as a therapist, she runs her fingers through his hair and says, “Now lie back and tell me everything.”
Ruth: He wakes in the night to find a woman, a foreigner, touching his feet. He rubs his eyes. He had been dreaming of kings.
Grief + God = Samuel
Israel – Eli + Samuel = Monarchy
Monarchy – Saul = David
David – Jonathan = 0
2 Samuel: Victory! A riot of joy! The victor covers his face: O Absalom, my son, my son.
1 Kings: So, you really want a monarchy huh? Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
2 Kings: I told you so.
1 Chronicles: And behold, in those days all the begetting was done by the menfolk.
2 Chronicles: If we build it, he will come.
Ezra: When we saw the Temple we thought we must be dreaming, or that all our lives had been a dream from which we had awoken.
Nehemiah: When he read the scroll it was as if, after a long dementia, I remembered my name and wept to hear it spoken.
Esther: The orphan queen is glorious at her feast. In her glittering eyes are sex and armies.
Job: He scrapes himself with broken pots, cursing his mother’s womb. In the distance, Leviathan circles silently in the deep.
Psalms: The invention of antiphony: when my heart broke in two, I taught both parts to sing.
Proverbs: What a fabulous woman! I’ll marry her! (She left her fingerprints all over me.)
Ecclesiastes: Life is an empty sink. Someone has pulled the plug and all the meaning has drained out of it. So enjoy yourself!
Song of Songs: With the turtledove singing above them in the apple tree, the lovers took off their clothes and made beautiful poems together.
Isaiah: When the four corners of creation are picked up like a tablecloth, all the crumbs will slide into the middle, into Zion.
Jeremiah: The Word is at the bottom of the well, burning like a naked flame in the mouth of the weeping prophet.
Lamentations: A Bear Crouches. Destruction Envelops. Flee God’s Holy Implacable Judgement! Killed! Lament! Mourn Nakedly! O Pray!
Ezekiel: Four flashing creatures, four wheels rimmed with eyes, one scroll, one Spirit, one Temple, one million creeping bones.
Daniel: I pray (each day) towards the city of the Son of Man; to him all kings (all things) shall bend like grass in the wind.
Hosea: She has given birth. Another son! Tenderly her humiliated husband gathers the little prophecy into his arms.
Joel: Through the cracks in our broken hearts the grasshoppers have come swarming in.
Amos: Hallelujah! The Lord is here! Run for your lives!
Obadiah: I made you as numerous as the stars. Watch now while I rub out every star and wrap the world in darkness.
Jonah: When the prophet disobeys, even the fish of the sea are against him. When Nineveh repents, even the animals fast and pray.
Micah: We call you a minor prophet. But you are mountains rising behind mountains; all the world’s wealth is minor next to you.
Nahum: Grinning from ear to ear, he sings a lament for the fall of Nineveh.
Habakkuk: He sings of joy in God’s salvation, his face wet with indignant tears.
Zephaniah: Cry out with horror, for I will sweep you from the earth. Cry out with joy, for I will sweep you into my arms.
Haggai: After the return from exile, the prophets spoke in prose. It took captivity to wring the poetry from their souls.
Zechariah: If only you could have lived to see the day he read your scroll, and loved it, and told his friends to fetch a donkey.
Malachi: You’ve got a new temple; now get new hearts to go with it, before the temple’s Lord appears and turns the tables on you.
From a fantastic post by Ben Myers over at Faith and Theology, called ‘#CanonFodder: The shortest ever commentary on the whole Bible: ” believe I can now state on my CV that I have written the world’s shortest (and most unreliable) commentary on the whole Bible.”